a lot of the time i watch movies that

i would never bother to do if it weren't for the fact that i was bored.

so tonight i watched alien vs. predator: requiem. i seem to recall reading bucketloads of hate directed at this film by eager fapping fanboys wanting to see aliens eat predators or vice versa, and i also recall that it got really shit reviews.

well, what for? it's a FUCKING MOVIE ABOUT ALIENS AND PREDATORS. this is not rocket science, nor does it even need to make any sense. it is a monster movie, and being of the times it needs to be a monster movie where a lot of shit gets ripped up or bleeds or dies violently or something happens that makes you think 'ew. that’s fucking sickening.' or what have you. which this movie has in spades.

it had: a dad and his kid getting facehugged and chestbursted, a lot of stupid teens dying in exciting (not bloody enough for me) ways, a saucy scene wherein the lead teen entices another teen to the local high school for a torrid night swim (which is then interrupted by a bunch of aliens wanting to, perhaps, get their freak on) a dad getting lunched out on in front of his screechy kid, a bunch of bums getting facehugged, a cop getting skinned and hung from a…do i need to go on?

it would be a very good movie to get drunk to at the drive-in, and it would be a very good movie to get bored with and end up balling in the back seat to. i would do either of these things quite happily, and if i had been so lucky to see it at the drive-in, i would have done all three with the utmost zeal. i am that sort of girl.

speaking of drive-ins, when i first started watching gore and horror thanks to the mom-and-pop video store which had opened next to my house, i went on a herschell gordon lewis kick. said kick was fairly extreme, and i ended up weeping over the fact that the store owner wouldn’t sell me his copy of she-devils on wheels, and he really should have, because it never got rented, but i digress. one night i brought home 2000 maniacs after school. i was likely about 15 or so.

i sat down, popped it into the trusty betamax and my mother strolled in. 'something new, honey?'

yes, mom. leave so i can enjoy the naked ladies and the bad acting and the super-duper awesome gore in peace, please.

she sat down. moms never do what you want them to.

'you know, i think i’ve seen this. it was when your father and i were dating.'

sure you have. go away. go get drunk. go eat a ham.

'in fact, i know i have. there’s a very disgusting part coming up. they’re going to stick one of these men in a barrel and then hammer it full of nails and roll it down a hill. i made your father leave at that point.'

not only had she actually seen it, she had spoiled it.

but it made me smile, somewhere deep down. perhaps i had been conceived at a herschell gordon lewis film? stranger things have happened, you know.

anyhow, watch alien vs. predator: the sequel if you’re bored, or if you don’t care, or if you have a migraine. it’s all good.